losing it

Last night, I lost it. I mena, really really lost it.

I am a fairly even-tempered and calm person. I don't shout too often and when I do, it is usually follwed by taking the person aside and calmly talking about it.



Both kids are sick right now and I stayed up with them the previous night. My kids have a predisposition towards febrile seizures (convulsions when they get fevers) and my son has already had 3 in the past. Sleep-deprived, I trudged off to work. I wanted to get a coffee (I probably have only had 2 coffees in the past 2 years) because of the chance that I'd nod of while working with my 1st grade students. But the line was too long and I was going to be late. So I left the coffee shop and rushed to work... only to find out that my 1st period students were on a field trip and I didn't even have to be at school that early. Pisser.

So I did some work and lost track of time. I was late to my 2nd period class. Grr.

The rest of the day went ok, but my lunchmeat had spoiled and I only had dry toast for lunch. My hubby wasn't going to be home till almost 10 because he had class for his masters.

When I got home, I find out that the kids had not been put own for naps and my son had been allowed to play on the computer for 3 hours. 3 hours! He'd even been given his breakfast in front of the computer.

So my wired son and my feverish daughter were (needless to say really) very demanding in the afternoon. It was too late for naps, and the chocolate (chocolate!) that they'd been given while I was at work was not helping. (Ok, seriously, who gives a kid with a cold and cough frozen chocolate??)

So after a fairly calm dinner, they had their medecines, baths, and milk, they went wild. My 1 year old was howling, inconsolable. My 3 year old was jumping on the bed, throwing pillows and running everywhere, refusing to listen. Bouts of coughing, noses wiped on my tshirt and one minute in his "quiet corner" came soon after. There was no quiet. They both wanted water, and when I brought them out to the icebox, my mom came out to see what the ruckus was about. Upon seeing that their audience had expanded to ever-doting grammy, the other antics came into play. Ty took all the pillows and blankets from my and my husband's bed, and tossed them onto his. He'd then jump into the pile, screaming, "Whee! I'm having so much FUUUNNN!!"

Did I mention that it was almost 10pm? We'd been in the room from 8:20pm. And I'd only had 3 hours of sleep the night before?

My mom laughed, saying that he was adooooorrrable! Not so much. Now the 1 year old wanted to join in and stumbled onto the pile... quickly followed by my son on top of her. Pain and screaming follow.

I think that's where I snapped. The baby howled for her water bottle, and she didn't want me to open it for her. Howls of frustration, and I grabbed the top and threw it across the room. I shouted, "Stop it!"

My mom was livid. She scolded me for shouting at the kids like that. I'd had it. I literally pushed my mom out of the room, but still politely saying that I'd got it covered ad she could go.

I sat on the floor and broke down. In Tagalog, hagulgol. Cries game in coughs and gasps. I hit the back of my head against the closet door several times.

And it was silent.

My kids were watching me.

Ty came from across the room and sat beside me. He took my hand and cooed, "It's ok Mama. Ty's here."

Little Hero patted me on the head and said "Sowi, sowi." She wiped my tears. She used the hem of my night shirt, but still.

I took them in my arms and apologied poured from my mouth. I promised to try harder, to be more patient.

"Mama, I'll sing you a lullabye." said Ty.

And as he sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, Hero swayed and hummed along.

It was only when my hubby got home that the kids fell asleep. I was exhausted. But I learned something very important last night.

No matter how crazy things get, my kids are tuned into what really matters.